the sudden stop.

i believe it wasn't my plan to fall for someone like you; but i don't think it was my fault either. i've tried long and hard to suppress my feelings in the pit of my very soul; however, what i did only add up to the pain and disappointment that was already there. you were so close to me, you've always been the crying shoulder of this weary heart of mine. and i'm pretty sure that you never ceased to love me--only, it wasn't the same love that i felt for you. you saw me as your bestfriend in the whole world and the sister you never had. what i saw in you, on the other hand, completely went beyond brotherly love and affection. i've asked myself a thousand times whether this really is something worth holding on to. if you're someone worth holding on to. for the past 3 years, my mind and my heart have been at odds with each other. i myself couldn't accept what my mind was telling my heart; even though i know for a fact that moving on was the only rational thing to do. my heart was at stake. i was afraid of letting go of the one thing that keeps me up my toes because that would mean going back to where i started--again. i took the easy way out by pretending that everything was doing fine. i continued to be the one you saw in me. i was the bestfriend who waited for you after your soccer training. i was the sister who threw you your towel when you couldn't even find it in your own bag. i showed you my best smile that Tuesday afternoon when you scored a goal. i teased you when you just couldn't contain yourself after winning the championship game. that was--after all--all i am to you: the greatest bestfriend and the long lost sister. You? You were the bestfriend and the brother who i chose to love more than anything else. i grew out of the love that you expected of me. but you were too blind to see that--how could you have been so blind?

this, i realized: i too have my limitations. i've come to the point where the hurting became too hard to handle. i realized i wasn't strong enough to hold on to you. i wish it wasn't this difficult to run after you all this time. i wish you saw me like the way i perceived you to be my own. but how else could i change this outcome? that ain't possible, i know. i guess i just gotta take a good step forward and try to make friends with life again. you know why letting go hurts and crushes you deep inside? because no matter what you do, things will never be the same again. it's a sad reality that we can never ever change.

[ moving on is one thing. moving up is a different one. can you do both? :( ]