everything hazy..
To nothingness,
As a kid, I dreamed of butterflies, fairytales and shooting stars. I wanted to be one with them or be like them in a way. I was always the carefree little kid who gets bruised once in a while. Yes, I would cry--a lot; would only stop when given a candy or the assurance that everything would be all right. And then I made friends, friends--or so I call them--who took me for granted. Friends who'd only be there when moments are good; otherwise, it's alone time. I didn't expect much of them, partly because we were kids and prolly because I knew that somewhere in time, we had to grow apart… and I was right. I never saw them again.
I said goodbye to Barbies and Pollypockets and made way for high heels and printed tops. I was allowed to shop for my clothes and whatever I fancy. I learned about boys--the likes of them who'd make fun of every little thing they set eyes on. I realized they were not at all bad--because they're mean! Okay I was half-serious about the latter sentence; they, sometimes, can be a little bit nice when the need arises.
I struggled to keep my grades up--even though I wasn't able to meet my parent's expectations of me. I found my true friends who gained my trust and loyalty, and who proved to me that they never will cease loving me. I loved them too. There were there when I first got my heart taken and broken and continued to support me. They're my bestfriends; my soulmates. Somewhere along the way though, I almost lost track of them… I almost lost them. But they didn't let me go, inspite of my imperfections and insecurities, they still held on to me tight and I'm just glad they did.
I knew I was a big girl already. I was ready for everything… or was I? No I wasn't. Because just when I thought I was ready for Love, I wasn't. Prom night would have been the best night of my life if I was with him. It would have been memorable if I wasn't crying in his arms throughout the dance. And it would have been sweet if it was "I love you" he’s whispering in my ear… not "I'm sorry..". It would have been happy. I would have been happy if he didn't leave me. But he did and no one’s gonna change that. Love wasn't ready for me.
He broke my heart not just once, but thrice--and I guess without him knowing. I was miserable and tired--tired of not just bruises in my heart; I was tired of thinking what could've been for the both of us. It was not easy.
Sure, I gave another random Romeo a chance to hurt me, but I wasn't surprised anymore when he crushed me and left me shattered. It was difficult to get up and regain my old self back but I knew I had to. I am strong… I had to be… even if I knew deep in my soul that I wasn't.
I didn't trust any boy after that fateful night in Westin anymore. I gave myself away and sadly, I still am in the process of getting up--even after all this time. Maybe somewhere along the way I will find who I'm looking for but I don't think I'm all ready for that now. It's just so hard to fully trust a person--only to get hurt in the process. I guess only time can tell when I would be able to risk my fragile heart again.
Yes… I once dreamed of fairytales and butterflies and shooting stars. I've cried a thousand times and not only did I get my knees bruised, I had my heart stabbed until I've got nothing else to offer. I grew apart from my childhood self… I'm a big girl now. The big girl who in vain still believes in happy endings… mine just haven't started yet, and perhaps it won't end like fairytales do… it simply won't end. I guess that's good enough for me after all that I've been through. :)
- natasha
posted by Natasha @ 12:06 PM
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